i wanna do more things that make me nervous

last friday i played my first ever show. as mayv.

for ppl that paid to be there, and that weren’t just my friends i invited to a house party i threw. still kinda crazy to me.

i spent the week before putting together a set and practicing the hell out of it (def took it wayy too seriously). i also kinda went all existential when creating the set tryna decide if i should play songs i like or stick to what ppl would expect me to play, and ultimately i said fck it im gonna play my playlist and just have a good time.

then i packed my dj controller into a lil suitcase and was off to ny.

before the show i was getting hella nervous and in my head about it (..whats new!). having the homies pull up to support helped sm.

then i played my set — it was imperfect but fun asf.
at one point i bumped the crossfader and the music went down to 50% volume gotta luv it ᵕ̈ ₊˚⊹☆

[ heres an extended version of the set i recorded ]

after my set i went back to the greenroom to chat w the other artists. at this point i was contemplating if music is even ‘right’ for me if i felt so stressed // nervous before, bc if i was meant to do it then i would be comfortable right?

but then the headlining artist started pacing around and being kinda fidgety — as we were having a lil chat she said ‘the nerves before the show, they never really go away’.
she has millions of streams, has played coachella, and been touring for 5 yrs.

so this hella stuck with me.

i was nervous to open the show for barely any ppl who had no expectations of me.
she was nervous to headline the last show of her tour for ppl who bought tickets to see her specifically.

so as my friend told me ‘i mean ur set was good but damn, there are clearly levels to this shit’. [ after seeing how good the headliner was ]

i realized if im totally comfortable doing something, then i probably am not doing hard things to get to the next level.

[ and i know djing to open a show in a lil bar in ny isnt crazy or changing the world, but hey im introverted asf and 1yr ago me would have never ever believed i did that shit. ]

if im kinda nervous im probably doing the right things.
so i wanna do more things that make me nervous.